Friday, 16 December 2016

archived post: home again

15 / 12 / 2016

This post was originally posted on August 15th, 2012. I was trying my hardest to live a life I wanted post-heartbreak. This involved throwing myself into everything I could think of that was fun or brave or adventurous; I wanted so much to be interested in my own life. It was also a time of asking myself a lot of big questions, reflective about where I was going, physically and metaphorically. So much of my life had been deconstructed, and the limbo of trying to put it back together was apparent.

Hey! Things are good- everything was sorted out. I thought I might be moving, and the cost-apartment ratio was bumming me out- rental costs are insane out here! Fortunately I found a new lovely roommate to take over the miniature room and I have moved into the big room again. It's so strange being in here, after barely stepping foot in it for the last 8 months. It feels as though I've been transferred to the past, but not... I'll be laying in bed thinking about putting something on the dresser drawers, and then I'll realize that I'm thinking about the dresser drawers that were in here before I moved into the miniature room. Any ways... I'm making this room my own!

Also I went to Vancouver Island for a camping holiday- so astoundingly beautiful- and so good to spend time with my family. On one day we went hiking through this old growth forest called Carmanah, where trees grew 300 ft high, slowly growing over time, seeing centuries pass by. It stirs my imagination. It felt difficult to leave the island this time... seeing children growing up, seeing a vibrant community with values that align with mine, having friends who live there. My heart is in two cities: I love Calgary so much and feel that I am part of this budding community, but I also feel that I am missing something that only the west coast can provide. What to do? Visit more often :)

Since arriving back there have been lots of good things on the go at least. I'm running around doing my dance class, lawn bowling, planning my next trip, getting my house sorted out. (I have to make a recommendation here: I've been cleaning and dusting my little house and have been using an all-purpose cleaner I made after getting the recipe from my friend Jessica's blog. It's the best all-purpose cleaner I've ever used and I completely suggest you try it. I make mine with lavender Castile soap and add fir needle essential oils: delicious scent!) Life is busy, but in a good way.


I remember when Patt and I broke up I had moved out of the room we had shared together in favour for the much smaller second room- it was a change I needed. But after time past and finding a new roommate I was good to go back into the master bedroom again. Such a strange feeling that was to go back though. The roommate that moved in had answered my kijiji ad, and she has since become one of my great friends (and is interestingly moving to Chile next month!) And even though that was the only time I visited Carmanah it left a deep impression on me- in fact I considered Carmanah as a baby name when I was pregnant. 

At the time when I wrote this post Patt and I had stopped talking or messaging each other, though we were on each other's minds. He had emailed me in May, saying he was going to marry me. I replied a month later, keeping the tone friendly, but not wanting to encourage something I wasn't sure should be pursued. He didn't respond. We both had to find satisfaction living our own separate lives, though we knew we would see each other in October at our mutual friends wedding...